This season of life: it’s been an in between, push and pull. Each day is filled with different emotions about the fact that we can get our baby at any moment. It’s feeling left out when everyone around is announcing pregnancies, when everyone else seems to be moving forward but I feel stuck. It’s feeling like I don’t quite belong somewhere: I don’t feel like I fit in with mom’s that have actual babies OR people my age. It’s fully living in the tension of being a mom in my heart and not having a baby to be a mom to. It’s wanting to make the most of our wait and enjoy it, but also just really wanting to go to a mom’s group and actually bring a baby along. Some days I am super excited and can’t wait to have our baby home, while other days I wonder, am I really ready for this? What did we get ourselves into? Can I actually handle being a stay at home mom?
The past few months have been a blur, and time has flown so quickly. During that time I realized that I needed to take a break from the blog, to focus on my emotions and being intentional with my time, to slow down. During my hiatus, I made a trip to Buy Buy Baby, the largest baby store you can imagine. I was planning on making my mind up on which stroller and car seat to buy since we need to have one in our home for our adoption agency. Opening and closing my favorite strollers and picking up car seats to see which ones I can carry may not sound fun to some, but to me, just looking at baby gear gives me a little bit of hope that our baby will come home soon. After driving for over half an hour and turning around a few times due to faulty phone directions, I pulled into the parking lot. I quickly found a parking spot, turned off my car and gave myself a few minutes to prepare emotionally before being bombarded with a gigantic reminder that I still do not have my own little one. I gave myself a quick pep talk. “You belong here. You are waiting for a baby. You can compare and try different strollers out and not feel awkward. You can do this.” As I walked toward the store, I passed a sign that was for the parking spots closest to the entrance: Parking for Expectant Mother or Parents of Small Children. I almost lost it. “I want to be her, the woman with an actual pregnancy or baby,” I thought as I looked at the car in the spot. In that moment, I felt completely out of place; left out.
Have you ever felt that in between tension or feelings of being left out, like you don’t match up with what everyone thinks you are? On the outside, I do not look like a mom. I have never been pregnant. I have never held my own baby in my arms, or looked like a zombie from little sleep due to constant crying. Despite not looking like a mom and people thinking that I am not a mom, I know that I AM a mom. I am expectantly awaiting the arrival of my own little one, although I have never been pregnant and have waited much longer than the typical 9 month due date. I have no due date or any kind of timeline, yet I AM a mom.
Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in or belong? Or that you don’t match with what everyone thinks you are? You know you are something else (a mom, a business woman, the fun one, humorous, the sporty one, the smart one), but everyone tells you that you are something else? I know that’s how I felt passing that sign at Buy Buy Baby. Even though the world tells me I am not a mom, I refuse to believe that I don’t belong there anymore. Choose to believe in yourself and not whatever everyone else thinks you are or should be. Choose to not focus on appearances or ask yourself the question, “What will they think of me?” Choose to say, ‘forget it’, believe in yourself, and have confidence. Oh and most of all, park in that damn parking spot.